Which NFL Team Every SVU Fan Should Be A Fan Of?

For the past six months, Sundays have primarily been dominated by SVU marathons on USA network. But for some, we have once again reached the time of year where Sundays have transitioned to finding the balance of watching football and watching dedicated detectives investigate vicious felonies. And for those of you who love these detectives but don't really know which football team you should love, here is an easy breakdown of which team to back based on your favorite character:

Det. Olivia Benson - New England Patriots
Reason: Arguably, both have been at the top of their class for the last 18 years.

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Det. Elliot Stabler - Oakland Raiders
Reason: The name Stabler for some football fans will forever be linked to quarterback Ken Stabler who played for Oakland through the 70s. Both Oakland and Elliot used to be perennial powerhouses/toughest in the game and now both are primed for a revival?

Det. John Munch- Baltimore Ravens
Reason: Detective Munch originally started his career in Baltimore so this seemed like an obvious association. Additionally, being that Munch is widely known as a conspiracy theorist, as a Ravens fan you investigate the puzzling question troubling their fan base of "Is Joe Flacco Elite?" 

Det. Odafin Tutuola - New York Giants
Reason: Somebody had to rep the home town squad and who better than Fin. Born and raised in New York, Fin has grown the earn the respect of his peers of the past 17 years.

Dr. George Huang - Dallas Cowboys
Reason: The Cowboys are regarding as America's team and Dr. Huang is regarding as America's favorite character on Law & Order SVU.

Rafael Barba - Denver Broncos
Reason: According to a quick internet search, Denver has one of the highest Spanish speaking fan bases in the NFL. Also, he's a lawyer and the Broncos are good at defense. 

Det. Nick Amaro - Los Angeles Rams
Reason: Both moved out west and nobody cares about them anymore.

Det. Amanda Rollins - Atlanta Falcons
Reason: She's from Atlanta. This one seemed obvious.

Sgt. Mike Dodds - New York Jets
Reason: Both were good for that one year but now they're dead and showing no signs of life.

Ken Turner aka John Stamos - Cleveland Browns
Reason: John Stamos' 47 kids are the equivalent to the number of quarterbacks the Browns have used over the last 18 years. And speaking first hand - like John Stamos in SVU, as a Browns fan at the end of the season you feel like you got stabbed in the penis with a shark knife.

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19 Reasons Why The Mischa Barton Episode is the Funniest SVU Episode

Everyone knows that within every drama centered Law & Order SVU episode lies a little comedic relief to ease the tension. This may come in the form of witty one-lines, bizarre character traits, or just an absurd sequence of events. In our latest episode review, we watched the season 11 episode Savior featuring Mischa Barton as a prostitute who is assaulted by a crazy religious guy who is super religious and super crazy. And while the episode does end on an somber note uncharacteristic to the rest of the episode (SPOILERS), here is a list of the best lines, characters, and events from the rest of the episode:

1. Opening Scene - Benson and Stabler find a religious card left on the victim featuring the Angel of Mercy. Benson says "Well I guess that makes our perp the Angel of Death."

2. Benson and Stabler go the apartment of the first victim where they meet the landlord. The landlord calls the victim a bitch because she never paid rent and when he learns that she has died he calls her a bitch again because he won't be getting his money.

3a. Benson and Stabler go talk to the victim's roommate. When Stabler points out that she seems nervous she replies with "Wouldn't you be if you best friend died." Stabler responds with a firm "No."

3b. Immediately following his "No", Stabler takes the girl's ID off the table, licks it, and determines her cocaine usage.

3c. The girl tries to argue that she is not an addict and Stabler fires back with "So you just like the way coke smells"

4. Benson and Stabler barge into a suspect's apartment with a full swat team. A man is using a golf simulator in his apartment and Stabler yells to him "Drop the club or i'll shoot a hole in one."

5. The wife of the suspect being arrested is super religious. When referring to her husband requesting oral sex she says "The mouth is not the proper receptacle for the seed."

6. Mischa Barton eating a Blowpop as she is questioned by the cops and the paramedics.

7.  Benson telling a pimp "Shut your mouth before I put a fist through it."

8. Fin doing the research and determining that there are 14 prostitutes in New York City that go by the name Sunshine.

9. There is another prostitute named Spudd. Spudd??!!?

10. Benson telling the same pimp that she yelled at before "[Spudd] is going to talk. And then your sweet jelly is going to be spread all over prison."

11. Crazy religious guy saying "Whoever did this isn't a murderer. They sent these girls to heaven out of love."

12. Stabler interrogating the crazy religious guy as they recite the Lord's Prayer to each other's mouths as they embraced sensually. (Visual comedy)

13. Crazy religious guy starts mouthing off bible shit in the middle of the police lineup instead of repeating his line.

14. Mischa Barton falling down the stairs in the most absurd sequence manner. So much so that we had to debate whether she did it on purpose because people don't trip like that. (Visual comedy)

15. In the hospital the aunt tells Benson and Stabler to get their Do-Goody Asses out of there. The next scene is Benson and Stabler at the coffee pot and Stabler asking if he "can get [his] Do-Goody Ass another cup of coffee."

16. Benson and Stabler go to the apartment of a couple of stoners who ordered Sunshine's services off of Craigslist. Stabler approaches them as one is holding a bong. They claim they were studying for finals and Stabler replies with "what is your major - stupidity." Got em.

17. Buchanan (in his first appearance) has Sunshine on the stand during trial. He tells her "You haven't been a prostitute for one whole day. Congrats!"

18. Crazy religious guy outbursting in the courtroom and yelling at Sunshine "You let Satan penetrate you 13,000 times!"

19. Crazy religious guy charging at Sunshine and then getting body slammed by the courtroom bailiff before getting there.  

So take note - if someone ever tells you that Law & Order SVU is too serious or too dramatic, show them this episode and prove to them that it is so much more.

 

SVU in the News: Connect the Dots Edition

In our upcoming episode of The SVU Podcast: Characters Welcome we once again discuss any and all ongoing of Law & Order SVU circulating in the news. It has been a busy couple of weeks so I just wanted to make sure some things went on the record before it was too late. 

Let's start with the speculation that SVU is already looking to replace new show runner Rick Eid after one season. Rumors have been swirling around that they may be looking to bring back the recently departed Warren Leight and either way a lot of uncertainty surrounds the whole situation. 

Now consider the recent news that veteran alum Chris Meloni is open to returning in some capacity to SVU if the situation is right. Stabler has already been spotted hanging around his former co-star Mariska Hargitay and fans of the show have taken notice.

  Benson and Stabler probably talking about how awesome filming the season 18 finale together was.

Benson and Stabler probably talking about how awesome filming the season 18 finale together was.

And then in the most recent news, it was come out that the Donald Trump inspired episode that was filmed and shelved at the beginning of the season, will not be airing at all this year (but we already saw that coming).

So what does this all mean? 

Well to an expert detective such as myself it is obvious to see that the uncertainty surrounding the shows direction heading into the next season should be alarming. Also alarming is the fact that SVU has still not been picked up for another season meaning that the already announced two hour season finale of season 18 would serve as the shows series finale.

SVU is not airing the Trump episode because they don't want that negative publicity overshadowing the show in its final episodes.

And to top it off, all of this Chris Meloni talk surrounding an SVU return is moot because he has already filmed his comeback and the show is keeping this a secret in a ploy similar to Michael Scott returning for the Office finale.

DUN DUN.

 

Making A Marathon

Everyone knows that Sundays are for SVU. And everyone also knows that on Sunday the USA Network loves to jam fantastically themed SVU Marathons in our faces. In an attempt to alleviate some of the pressure for the USA Network, our weekly Making A Marathon segment takes the episode we reviewed and creates an SVU marathon relating to that episode (while also attempting to work the John Stamos episode into the marathon.)

 

Now that we are ten episodes into our podcast this means we are officially allowed to make a top ten list of the top ten SVU marathon ideas we've had so far based off of the episodes we have reviewed. Enjoy!

10. Cinco De Mayo Marathon (Loophole) - This was definitely our weakest marathon in terms of naming, plausibility, and relation to the John Stamos episode. This marathon features all episodes relating to immigrants and/or suspects or victims with questionable green card situation.

9. Ballz to the Wall Marathon (Closet) - Following our review of the Tom Brady inspired Closet episode, this felt like an obvious marathon showing any sports themed SVU episodes as well as the John Stamos episode because he has so much game.

8. TV Dads Marathon (Gambler's Fallacy) - A marathon dedicated to all of the episodes starring TV sitcom dads - except for the Stephen Collins episode because that guy turned out to be a scumbag. Also, we get to show the Stamos episode twice because of Full House and his recently cancelled Grandfathered. (Bonus tip - air on Father's Day)

7. Bad Moms Marathon (Granting Immunity) - This marathon features episodes with horrible parenting from mothers including the episode where 47 different mothers had children with J.S. This gets the edge over the Dad's marathon because of the Hilary Duff episode. (Bonus tip - air on Mother's Day)

6. Ends Justify the Mean Marathon (Users) - A marathon dedicated to all the times our detectives decided that breaking the rules was worth it in the end such as stabbing a man in the penis with a shark knife so he would stop having children.

5. Aren't You A Doctor Marathon (911) - Following our review of the extremely overrated 911 episode we came up with the obvious marathon of airing episodes featuring actors who have noted roles as doctors in other shows and movies (Grey's Anatomy, House, Robin Williams in Patch Adams/Flubber, and ER for Stamos.)

4. Guest Detective Marathon - Our most recent marathon comes in at number four. This Sunday marathon would features all SVU episodes where a guest detective comes in and helps the squad with an investigation. We noted that a Dani Beck episode would air but this would be a great opportunity for viewers to break for lunch.

3. Throwin' Shade Marathon (Sick) - This marathon was inspired following our review of Sick where a Michael Jackson themed character is dragged through the court system simply for hanging out with kids in the Treasure Room. It will feature any SVU episodes were an obvious ripped from the headline situation occurred including the John Stamos episode where they based the antagonist off a character who had too much sex so he decided to play himself.

2. John Wayne Bobbitt Marathon (Payback) - We were able to come up with gold in our first review and we were just getting our feet wet in the marathon creation game. This marathon features all episodes where someone loses a penis (Spoilers - John Stamos gets his penis cut off.)

1. Kid's Choice Award Marathon (Authority) - This marathon was on the verge of going two ways after we watch the beloved Robin Williams' episode. In a choice between an Oscar winners marathon and a Kid's Choice Award Marathon we chose the latter in an attempt to reach a wider and younger audience as well as another opportunity to air both the Hilary Duff and John Stamos episode in the same marathon. (Obvious Tip - Air right before the Kid's Choice Awards).

 

What Can We Learn About The New England Patriots From a 2008 Episode of Law & Order SVU?

At first glace - nothing. But upon closer inspection - everything.

Back in 2008 Law & Order SVU aired the episode Closet - a story about how the best quarterback in pro football murdered his secret boyfriend after blacking out and blaming his history of concussions on not being able to remember doing it. At first glance you may just think that this is just an episode trying to rip some headlines surrounding gay athletes in professional sports but we looked closer and were able to see how all the dots were connected.

As we look closer at the episode's victim/suspect Lincoln Haver we can draw some similarities to a certain New England quarterback:

Both were labeled the best quarterback in league, both were number 12 wearing dreamboats with a strong jawline, both had high profile model girlfriends who were setup for them on blind dates, and both seem to have a bit of a temper on the sidelines.

There are also other facts to consider. There's the fact that Law & Order SVU takes place in New York. There's the fact that the lead detective is an obvious New York Giants fan. Seen left, Mariska Hargitay aka Olivia Benson has a partnership with the Giants organization - a noted playoff rival of the New England Patriots. Combine all of this and it is obvious that Lincoln Haver is in actuality Tom Brady and these Giants fans are slyly throwing another jab at the NE fan base.

However - the dot connecting does not end there. It is reasonable to assume that someone in the New England front office saw this episode back in 2008. Instead of taking the episode at face value as an insult to their franchise quarterback, they saw it as an opportunity for organizational growth.  Always trying to stay a step ahead of everyone else in the league, the Patriots developed the plan to get a violent enforcer of their own with the loophole excuse that football made him do it.  

In the football season following the airing of this episode a certain bad boy tight end from Florida started to gain some notoriety both on and off the field. That same year a certain stud quarterback missed the entire NFL season after suffering an injury week one. The minds in the front office must have started churning and realized that Tom would need an insurance policy/protection going forward.

Flash forward to 2010 when the New England Patriots selected controversial Florida Gator Aaron Hernandez. The team appeared to overlooked all the off the field baggage associated with the young tight end when in reality the baggage is what drew the team to select him. Loose cannon Hernandez was exactly the player they needed to protect Brady with the thought they could just get Hernandez black out drunk and blame any violent behavior on his years of football and him not being able to control what he was doing.

Not wanting to again be put on blast by the SVU franchise, the Patriots lost their next Super Bowl appearance to the New York Giants out of fear of exposing this plan in a future Law and Order episode. But things derailed when Aaron went rogue and started killing anyone who made him spill his drink or anyone that knew he killed anyone who made him spill his drink. To distance themselves from the situation the Patriots cut ties with their secret CTE bodyguard and went on to win the Super Bowl in 2015. 

But the weight of a guilty conscience on Tom Brady and the Patriots may be too much as they have failed to win a Super Bowl since Hernandez's murder conviction later that year. On the brink of another championship that would be undoubtedly be marred by a Scarlet A (for Aaron Hernandez), the looming threat of exposure of this Law & Order SVU conspiracy will be too much for Brady and the Patriots to handle.

Falcons win 38-35.

On a side note - the 2008 episode Closet ended with the agent confessing to the murder and him saying that his client would have 10 years left if he was lucky. Factoring out the missed 2008 season, this means Brady will be playing until 2019. You heard it here first.

Dun Dun.

Why BD Wong is the Man.

In our upcoming The SVU Podcast: Characters Welcome review we tackle the Season 11 episode Users. Inspired by our joint love and admiration for BD Wong, we chose to watch this episode because it is one of his best performances. The episode shares a similar premise with the fantastic Boy Meets World episode where Shawn joins a cult and Mr. Turner gets in a motorcycle crash. In both story lines a creepy older guy creates a place where vulnerable teens hang out and all the adults with common sense can see the guy in charge is a sociopath (Mr. Feeny = Stabler, Mr. Turner = BD WONG, Mr. Mack (creep) = Martin Gold). Like Mr. Turner, BD Wong takes things into his own hands and does what he can to make sure this psycho gets shut down (but he doesn't get in a motorcycle crash). 

So in honor of BD Wong here are the top ten reasons why he is the man and will always be the man:

10. His role in Slappy and the Stinkers where he plays a music teacher of the kid who was Otto in Rocket Power.

9. Chosen by Goldsea Asian American Daily as one of the "100 Most Inspiring Asian Americans of All Time"

8. Jurassic Park

7. The time he RTd the GIF of his face on a dancing kid because there was a BD Wong SVU marathon on.

6. He has a son named Jackson Foo Wong and he wrote a book about him called "Following Foo: The Electronic Adventures of the Chestnut Man".

5. Mulan

4. The video of BD Wong teaching you how to eat a chicken wing from GQ.

3. His sweater and suit game is always on point (see previously mentioned GQ article for reference.)

2. He won a Tony award in his Broadway debut in 1988 for Best Actor in a Featured Role.

1. Dr. George Huang. Anytime you see BD is gonna be in an SVU episode you know the episode is going to be that much better. He was the glue that held the show together for 229 episodes (not counting the episode he came back to in season 17 where he was kind of a dick.) Also - in the episode Users that inspired this article he is basically a recreation of the Homer Simpson bush meme.

 

So thanks BD Wong. And keep being awesome.

Kidnapability Power Rankings

So on the brink of another episode release of The SVU Podcast: Characters Welcome we got into a brief discussion during our SVU in the News segment surrounding the newest Law & Order SVU episode that came out this week. The previews for the newest episode (in addition to a garbage fake storyline of Benson retiring) showed Carisi in danger/possibly being kidnapped. This sparked a dialog of which characters would be least likely to be kidnapped from the current cast which leads us right into this article.

(Un)official Law & Order SVU Kidnapability Power Rankings

*Note - higher ranking means more likely to be kidnapped*

1. Olivia Benson - Could this be any more obvious. The Benson getting kidnapped storyline is becoming as overused as the Stabler beats people up storyline. Last season she got kidnapped doing a house call, before that William Lewis played a season long game of cat and mouse, and even before that she got tricked into being kidnapped by Robin Williams at a train station. The only thing she has going for her in the kidnapping department is that by now she is so experienced that it can't possibly happen again right?

2. Rafael Barba - We already know that Barba made some enemies at the end of last season. Couple that with the fact that he's a sarcastic and dainty man (not unlike myself) and he is an obvious target of someone who the writers will decide needs to be kidnapped.

3. Amanda Rollins - Ugh. At this point I think Rollins just needs to be kidnapped so that all the stupid decisions she makes finally catch up to her (helping her sister, gambling a bunch, helping her sister again, having a love child with a superior officer, ect.) No wonder Benson hates her.

4. Dominick "Sonny" Carisi Jr. - Okay so before this most recent episode Carisi would have been much higher. He doesn't really give off the same tough guy vibe as detectives in the past (Amaro, Stabler, Cassidy). But after this week and he has a gun literally one centimeter from his face I suspect that Sonny isn't gonna take anymore shit from anyone and is gonna turn into the tough guy this current cast has been missing. (Or it could go the opposite way and Carisi takes over for Barba as a lawyer after Barba gets kidnapped at the end of the season).

Last - Odafin Tutuola. There is no way Fin ever gets kidnapped. Reasons include: he used to have a pony tail, he has an extravagant track suit collection, he's obviously loaded so he could just pay anyone off with the ten grand he's always carrying around (he needs to carry this much to offer Rollins money to get out of gambling debt), he's always the first to pull his gun out, and most importantly he doesn't give enough of a fuck to get kidnapped. The more important aspect in a kidnapping is that the person doesn't want to be kidnapped but I'm guessing Fin would just go along with it because he has nothing else going on.

  How is this guy going to get kidnapped. Ever.

How is this guy going to get kidnapped. Ever.

 

Bonus:

Most likely to kidnap someone - Stabler. He finally snaps or something happens to one of his kids and all rules go out the window. I say 30% chance his next appearance on SVU is him as a perp for kidnapping someone who killed Kathy.

If you like these takes make sure you go subscribe to our podcast here and follow us on twitter here. Characters Welcome.

You're Welcome Dick Wolf.

So if you've been keeping up with The SVU Podcast: Characters Welcome you would know that each week one of our favorite segments is You're Welcome Dick Wolf. In this segment Eli and I take turns pitching Law & Order SVU episodes for future seasons by ripping stories straight from the headlines.

And if you haven't been keeping up with the podcast it's time to go catch up to the Emmy contending brilliance we've come up with so far including:

-A Tom Brady/Bridget Moynahan child support/dildo throwing episode (based off the Buffalo Bill's dildo throwing incident)

-An episode in which the state of New York bans all pornography resulting in an increase in sexual assaults and Barba has to fight to get porn back (based off The Donald becoming president - notoriously a very anti-porn guy)                                                                

                   >>>>>UPDATE: Apparently South Carolina is trying to do that now

-A conspiracy theory episode linking the Texas Rangers sexually based hazing all the way back to Al-Qaeda proving Bush did 911 (based of the Texas Rangers sexually based hazing and Eli connecting the dots)

Now if those descriptions don't entice you to listen to our newest You're Welcome Dick Wolf segment that appears in our upcoming review of the season eight episode Loophole then maybe this picture preview will do the trick:

I don't want to give too much away but some brief items of note include:

  1. Pizzagate
  2. Munch is Back
  3. Dickie Stabler is back
  4. Dave Coulier is the perp (setting up a Full House SVU marathon with the Bob Saget episode and the John Stamos episode) 
  5. The crazy lady from the William Lewis/Dr. Rudnick trials is back

So make sure to look out for the newest The SVU Podcast: Characters Welcome episode where we review Loophole and listen for the You're Welcome Dick Wolf segment.

PS - Any Law & Order SVU writers that are reading this can hit up the DMs if you need more details for the episodes when you write them.

PPS - It's Dick Wolf's birthday. Happy Birthday Dick Wolf

 

The Perfectly Timed Season 16 Marathon

So this is gonna work out well. 

I turned on USA Network this morning and saw that they would be airing Season 16 episodes throughout the day. I quickly checked the schedule for the specific episodes airing and low and behold - 8pm broadcast of Granting Immunity. 

Why this works out well is the next episode of The SVU Podcast: Characters Welcome is a review of Granting Immunity and was scheduled to be released this Friday. However, because of this stroke of dumb luck we will be treating our listeners with the early episode release of our newest podcast episode tonight around 9pm with our full review of Granting Immunity.

Now if you've never seen Granting Immunity (aka the Cobra Starship episode) make sure you catch the episode from the very beginning because the first five minutes capture the essence of everything you would want in an SVU episode (intro music montage, kids sneaking booze into school, over-the-top party in the middle of the day, teenagers thinking taking selfies is cool, teenagers thinking sending nudes is cool, orange lipstick, ect.) And if you have seen this episode before you know the 'Good Girls Go Bad' intro is the best part and its all downhill from there. Either way we already watched the episode so here are some of the best things to look out for while you watch the episode and then listen to our podcast about the episode:

1. I cannot reiterate enough how good the first five minutes are. It's the reason Eli made us watch this episode.

2. Larry Heller is lowkey the best/most pathetic character in the episode. He almost goes to jail for spreading child porn AND his mom roasts him in front of the detectives for being a nerd.

3. Trudy aka the Queen Bee of the Tribeca moms has a necklace that says "Kale" because she's the worst.

4. During the episode it appears that Rollins and Carisi and sharing the same coat. Not like they both have the same coat but sharing the same physical coat. 

5. All the hints that Amaro is gonna leave the SVU. (Including scene with his dweeb son Gil.)

Bonus: Girl not wanting to turn in her phone to the cops because she's super far in Candy Crush.

So tune in tonight and watch the episode live on USA Network at 8 and then check back here or on iTunes for our review of this episode (you can also catch up on our previous reviews of the pilot episode and the Robin Williams episode).

Characters Welcome.

SVU in the News

With a new podcast episode scheduled to be released this Friday also comes some new segments. One of these new segments will be SVU in the News where we talk about anything currently going on relating to Law & Order SVU production that we deem relevant. 

That being said, gaining more notoriety in the news is the fact that the Donald Trump inspired SVU episode that was filmed in the beginning of this season's production and initially pushed back until after the election has been pushed back indefinitely. And very recently former showrunner Warren Leight came out and said he didn't think the episode would air at all. Well he obviously is on the same page as us here at The SVU Podcast: Characters Welcome because this is exactly what we talked about when we filmed the segment earlier this week.

As much as NBC tries to deny it, they are obviously pro-Trump or at least part of the Trump enablers category. They gave him 14 seasons of The Apprentice and as recently as the beginning of this year let him host SNL. NBC has not come out and explicitly said why they keep pushing back the episode airing and Law & Order SVU has never really been a program that shies away from controversy which is how I arrived at my theory on why they are not gonna air the episode - they are afraid of the backlash from the Trump internet bullies that got him elected in the form of episode reviews.

Let's look at the facts - the lowest rated SVU episode on IMDB is the same episode that pissed off arguably this same group of people. TV is also a rating's game and it's no secret that ratings for SVU are not what they used to be. So I think that NBC is aware enough that they don't want all these angry internet people trolling their ratings sections, dropping the scores to Gamergate levels and creating all this negative publicity surrounding an already controversial episode. Instead, NBC is gonna stash this episode in the vault and hopefully we can all get a good kick out if the episode in four years if we are not all dead.

PS - If SVU still wants to do a Trump inspired episode this season they should check out our 'You're Welcome Dick Wolf' this week and the problem is solved. 

The Podcast Launch

I promised that there would be more exciting content coming (see below) and I delivered. The first episode of The SVU Podcast:Characters Welcome is now up and available both on this site and on iTunes so go subscribe now. 

It was a long time coming but going forward our plan is to review an episode and release a new podcast every other week. Once we get the hang of it (because we have literally no experience) and if the feedback we are getting is mostly positive then hopefully we can transition into a once a week thing.

We welcome all constructive compliments (and criticism) but just remember that this is a podcast by your average viewer and for your average viewer. We are aware that Eli's voice makes him sound like someone who would go to Hudson University and my favorite word appears to be "um". Based on this first recording we also learned when you drink and try to record a podcast that setting a glass down is always louder than you think. We learned that it would probably be a good idea to take better notes during the episode so our recap doesn't sound like I can't remember anything I watched. But at this point I think we deserve a learning curve because much like Detective Olivia Benson in this episode this was our first day on the job so we only have room for improvement.

So next time you're marathoning SVU on USA and Payback comes on try listening to our podcast so you can hear Eli explain that getting a prostitute is okay just as long as your wife is paralyzed.

 

DUN DUN.